Single Parenting
"A Fathers Perspective"
My life as a single parent began on a cold Illinois February evening; my wife stated, matter of fact, I had thirty days to find a place to live and to take the kids with me. I looked at my wife and stated " your kidding?" Her response was curt and to the point, "no", " thirty days." I lay there in bed with her and stared out into the cold winter night...it had just snowed and everything had that eerie snow quiet sound... " move out" kept reeling in my head and the visions of sugar plums and Santa Claus wished away like a fog on a windy day....
What am I to do, I thought, I am in my last semester of pre-law, hoping to take my LSATs that spring, and now, with no job, no prospects for a job, I am suppose to up and move myself and my little boys; age seven and five respectively; Into a world unknown. I rolled over in the bed and asked my wife what I had done to deserve this and worst what about our children... She stated " I married a rock musician, not a lawyer!" Yes I had played professionally as a guitar player and quite assuredly almost was a success, even opened up for Charlie Daniel's at the Triad arena in Greensboro NC. Yessiree I was on my way... But through circumstance beyond my control, life chose a path for me and being a rock star and raising children on the road was not in the stars... Not my stars at least.
I never slept that night and walked slowly as a man to the gallows to my sons room and sat in a rocking chair and I sat there and watched their little chests rise and fall in rhythm, not a care in the world and possibly dreaming of Ninja Turtles or He-Man. I slowly rose and walked over to my baby's bed and sat easily as not to awake him abruptly. I rubbed my warm head across his brow and I began to weep. My son awoke to my stirrings and looked at me quizzically and asked, "why are you crying daddy?" " oh it's nothing, I just had a bad dream and it sacred me!" My son sat forward and held me as if he was the one to do the comforting, and he did. My eldest son, stirred and awoke asking what was going on, and my baby said Daddy had a bad dream but he's ok now..." Morning son" I said to my eldest and his reply was," can we have pancakes this morning daddy?" I hugged my baby and kissed him gently on his crown and walked over to my eldest and hugged him in kind and gently said pancakes would be great. " you guys get up, wash, your face and hands, and get dressed for school, I laid out your clothes here at the end of your bed, I will start on the pancakes, ok?" My baby boy asked hurriedly, " can we have sausage too?" I smiled and nodded my head and said " hurry up now, no lolly- gagging!" To this they laughed trying to figure out who was lolly and why was she lagging?
After a week of thinking, crying, asking, and crying some more, I decided I had to tell my boys...I decided to take them to one of their favorite places, ( Lincoln park), and break the news there. We did play most of the day, I had packed PB&J's,chips, and requisite red Kool-Aid, and finally got the courage and called them over to the picnic area and they helped me spread a patch quilt blanket beneath a large old oak tree the air still chilly from the winter with Spring in the wings... We sat, ate quickly, and finally I said "let's go sit in the car, daddy's freezing." We picked up our remnants of lunch and made our way to the car. My eldest son holding my hand asked me what was wrong and why I hadn't been smiling and talking that much... I told him things had changed at home and we had to talk. I looked down at my son and watched his perpetual innocent smile turn into a worried frown. They knew I said to myself, maybe not the dynamics, but they knew.
After getting in the car and settling down, I told the boys to look at me and I told them from the start that no matter what they hear they were not to blame. Now they looked at each other and titled their heads perplexed. I gathered my strength and let out a sigh... " you're mommy wants us to move out." I looked at their cherub faces and expected, I don't know what, but instead it was just quiet. My baby said, " move where"? I took another deep breath, " mommy wants us to find another house to live in, by ourselves. Mommy won't be moving with us." My eldest son said, " are you guys getting a divorce?" I was surprised he even knew this word let alone understood its meaning... " yes son" I replied... In unison my sons asked why, and I began to cry which caused a cacophony of emotion that lasted a good ten minutes. The situation was taking hold and the prospect of being alone hit home..." What did we do wrong daddy?" " I reminded them it was never them...Mommy just wants a different life and of course she will still see you, come to school, watch you play games, and everything, she just won't live with us.
Finally the crying abated and the car became tomb quiet... I started the car when my son asked, " so what do we do when we get home, do we have to pack all our toys, what about our bikes, what about our Nintendo's etc etc etc... The questions of what happens now begins and
lasts the rest of their lives.
The effects of the divorce never go away, their is no closure, no relief from the loneliness, pain, and abandon which is what their mother did. I could sit here and inform the reader of all the inequities, ignorance, and suffering she caused but it is counter productive and in the end it is she that must endure the wrath of abandoning her sons.
"To all seasons there is a time. A time to grow up, and time to laugh and time to cry and a time to die and to all seasons here and heaven, turn turn turn" . This was my season, our season, the hand dealt and I was frightened to death. I will not bore you with the chronological order of what happened next, just that rearing two babies was the hardest job I had ever undertaken yet it was and is the most single significant event that made me what I am today. I am a single parent who reared two beautiful boys from babies to men.
Was it easy? Hell no! I ended up dropping out of school, worked as a towel boy at a tennis club, then got a job after one of the tennis members realized I was poor, raising two babies, and living on four dollars an hour. She just so happened to be the director of a lab at the local hospital and got me a job as a phlebotomist,( I drew blood), this earned me six dollars an hour which to me was a godsend... Wow take home after taxes cleared me three hundred and twenty eight dollars every two weeks and my dedicated and punctual ex sent me three hundred and forty dollars a month in child support. Man I was living the high life, especially when rent was four hundred dollars a month not counting utilities, cable, car insurance, gasoline, after school care, and of course food....we lived on lots of Mac and Cheese, Totinos Pizzas, oat meal, hot dogs, and anything else that was cheap.
Someone suggested I go to nursing school which coincidentally the medical field had been my bread and butter for most of my life so I figured why not. I had all the prerequisites out of the way, so long story short four years later I earned my Associates Degree in Nursing... I finally got a job as a Certified Nursing Assistant and worked nights while going to school... To this day I do not know how I achieved this...I guess because I had two babies that depended on me... And if it had not been for the kindness of a few individuals who watched my boys while I worked and went to school I guess I would still be a CNA....to those few I dedicate this article...thank you.
All in all I did the best I could to make a life worry free for my boys... They played every sport from baseball to basketball; my baby took Tae Kwon Do and my eldest excelled at wrestling, even going to state his first year... Yes we lived in a trailer, but it was home... My baby was embarrassed telling people we lived in a trailer and years later he apologized for belittling me and our predicament. It's ok, we did what we had to do.
I guess if you ask me what was the hardest part of being a single parent it would be that....being a single parent. Nature chose Homo Sapiens to be couples, not single... It takes two to raise children and my biggest loss was the softness a woman provides. Yes I hugged and kissed and rewarded and stayed with then when they were sick, but they missed out on the touch of a mommy. I remember my childhood and I would not trade the world for the soft touch of my mother...the way she rubbed my hair, wiped my brow when I was sick, showed me how to make pancakes, and most of all being there when I came home from school, with an apron on, the aroma of fresh baked cookies permeating the home and her hugging me ever so tight and kissing me on the cheek smelling of Chanel number five and Ponds cold cream. That I never gave my sons, and it hurts they never knew the experience.
As I close , I do not ask you for sympathy, maybe just a little accolade or recognition that not all single parents are women. I did the best I could under the circumstance dealt me. Yes I have regrets, don't we all, but never a regret for having my children, raising them, loving them, and watching them grow into successful bright, hard working and ethical men. I guess I did something right.
For those of you facing this same dilemma one word of advise. It will be the hardest thing you've ever done, but it will come to a conclusion and they will leave the nest...all you can do is always be there for them...no matter what...through good, and bad, ups and downs, sickness and wellness, and always tell them you will be there for them... Never ever stop hugging them and kissing them and tucking them in at night...always read stories, and play, play, play...I promise you they will remember the good far easier than the bad...but and this is a big but...
Do not delude yourself to the fact that divorce destroys children, they never get over it, they never forget, and they blame themselves...all you can do is hold them when they cry and ask where's my mom or dad, and reassure them you will never abandon them.
Promise me....promise them...you only get one chance at this and there are no do-overs. Bless you all and remember, you can do it!
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